I have run enough races at this point that I have realized I have a distinct, if not always planned, pattern. This is how I go about running races:
The night before, approximately 5pm – Eat anything I want because, heck, I’m racing tomorrow. Vaguely recall this being a bad idea. Ignore recollection.
One hour later – regret stuffing myself and mentally note, again, not to do this the next race.
The night before, approximately 10pm – Go to bed.
The night before, approximately midnight – Get up and make sure all the gear is ready.
Next five hours – remain wide awake, alternating between staring at the dark ceiling and pacing around the house.
Ten minutes before I HAVE to get up – fall into a deep sleep.
Time to get up – have a minor heart attack when alarm clock goes off.
Next hour – get dressed, make creative breakfast shake, head out door, drive at least ten minutes before realizing some essential item has been forgotten. Go get item. Start drive over.
Miss at least one turn or exit.
Get to site at least 45 minutes later then planned.
Check in/register. Explain how to pronounce my last name.
30 minutes before gun time – drink whatever pre-workout concoction
I learned about last week. Vaguely recall this being a bad idea. Ignore recollection.
25 minutes before gun time – start to “warm up”, notice my face is tingling.
20 minutes before gun time – make mental note, again, to stop trying new supplements on race day. Begin jumping up and down, walking in circles….nerves or supplement rush?
15 minutes before gun time – stuff into starting area. Still jumping.
10 minutes before gun time – feel extremely badarse. KNOW I am going to conquer!
2 minutes before gun time – panic. Start to recall every reason I shouldn’t be doing this – I’m not fast enough, strong enough, look how big her muscles are, I used to be FAT! Ahhhhhhhh.
Gun time – Forget every excuse I was just panicking over and remember that I’m badarse at my own level. Mentally scream Hoo Yah and start running!
First distance marker – feel amazing…..FULL of awesomeness.
Half way point – doubt my very existence. Wonder what the hell I was thinking. Start audibly whining that I’m never doing this crap again.
30 seconds later – mentally kick myself for being a pansy. Take a deep breath. Resume attempts at arsekickery.
Upon sight of finish line – find energy not normally known and sprint!
Cross finish line – grab one of every item of food handed out.
30 seconds after – find private spot to fold over and try not to puke. Look at food in hand with disgust.
5 minutes later – Inhale previously mentioned food.
5 minutes after that – drink beer while reaching for my toes….have to at least look like I’m stretching. Vaguely think about how I really need to stretch better. Something about always regretting it later. Ignore this recollection.
Eventually – “wash” off with whatever passes for a shower/hose/fire truck/bird bath.
Dry off: Cold weather- shiver until dry. Hot weather – lay on grass until dry.
Next – Wander around for changing tent….find none, so I engage my suriptious changing skills behind my car door. Flash neighboring car ONLY once or twice.
Start drive home.
15 minutes into drive – realize that my beer drinking “stretching”, once again, wasn’t effective. This realization occurs when every muscle tenses in unison.
Get home – FALL out of car and hobble into house….straight to the refrigerator.
Next ten minutes – eat until no more food can fit in my gullet.
***Post race amendment – Shower. Marvel at how many cuts and scrapes I have. None of which I could see or feel prior to scraping the mud off and rubbing soap over them. I am sure that anyone listening would hear alternating sounds of curse words and hissing.
Grab laptop, collapse onto couch, sign up for every future race I can find (that I’m not already signed up for).
Repeat every two-three weeks.